Embracing the Messy and the Paradox of Perfectionism
Most new parents might agree that parenthood forced them to tolerate a messier home. Between the snotty noses, constant grogginess, and addition of a small being you simply can’t control, the privilege of perfectionism goes out the window pretty quickly when you have kids.
But the transformation that happens when life asks you to expand - be it as a new parent, entering a new relationship, taking a leap in your career, or navigating the completely unexpected - is about so much more than just a a little mess. It’s about letting go of the rigid expectations that often actually limit us, and finding a sense of beauty and appreciation in the messy and glorious imperfection of life itself.
If you struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, or a need for control, read on to learn how reframing your relationship to imperfection may actually create more joy in your life.
How Perfectionism Can Hold Us Back
Perfectionism comes in many shapes and sizes—some more subtle than others—but at its core perfectionism can be characterized by its high, or even unrealistic standards, and intense, all-or-nothing expectations of oneself or others. Perfectionism has us believe that our ability to meet such standards or expectations or control a particular outcome are prerequisites to things like safety, security, acceptance, and even lovability. “Should’s,” “must’s,” and “I’ll be happy when” statements are often clear indicators of perfectionistic thinking.
Just like any trait, perfectionism has its strengths. When used skillfully, for example, it can help us muster motivation, maintain alignment with our values, or achieve specific goals.
However the irony is that in an attempt to avoid pain, perfectionistic thinking and behavior usually only causes more; and the very fears perfectionism attempts to evade are often the paths that lead us to greater happiness, connection and fulfillment.
Take, for example, the idea that there is one “right” or “best” way to do something - be it a major career decision, way to be a parent, or even way of showing up in a social context. Perfectionism often creates an unstated binary in which all other paths become wrong. From time to time this judgment might be explicit (“I would never…”). But more often it’s actually quite silent. It reflects a deep down fear that “I’m not good enough unless…” or feeling of superiority that “I’m better because…”
While this is one of the brain’s ways of trying to affirm ourselves and choices, these narratives put us into evaluative mind, which create anxiety, judgment, worry, and even division. We limit the number of choices we see as valid, which in turn greatly limit us.
Perhaps you’re also familiar with the ways in which perfectionism can lead to analysis paralysis, or at least at lot of time wasted in over-analysis. While not without some value when kept in check, the sheer volume of time spent overthinking, over-researching, or over-planning can steal an incredible amount of time from actually living.
Perfectionism causes us to live more in our heads than the real world, or in a small, tight boxes we’ve created for ourselves.
How To Loosen the Grip of Perfectionism
It’s no secret that anxiety and perfectionism tend to crave simple answers. They cling to the idea that somewhere out there, there is a clean set of instructions, a prescription, a linear career path or way to get through life and grief. Because the idea that such things don’t actually exist can feel quite overwhelming.
But if you can open yourself up to it, you may just find that there is a lot more richness to be found in the complexity—more joy in embracing the messy. You can think of life as a big blank canvas, where you’re not getting graded, and it’s not a competition. It’s simply a place to splash some paint around, and your piece will inevitably look very different than the person’s next to you.
In response to this idea, it’s not uncommon for clients express the fear: “But how am I supposed to know if mine is any good?” It’s a powerful reflection of the way we’ve been conditioned into the false dichotomies of “good” and “bad” or “right” and “wrong” when it comes to how to live.
When we increase our psychological flexibility, there’s freedom in allowing our ways of living, being and thriving to be vastly different and unique. Your life and career can take twists, turns, and pauses that make it much more interesting. The way you express yourself can be more exploratory and less conforming. Ultimately, your choices can become more reflective of your individual values, and less defined by other people’s “should’s,” and the little blemishes and missteps become meaningful in and of themselves, rather than something to cover up.
Enjoy the Ride
The paradox is that the less we attempt to control, the more we usually stand to gain. The more we are able to embrace a little mess, the bigger our life becomes.
So go ahead, give yourself permission to drop the ball once in a while and get a little messy. As ACT psychologist Robyn Walser reminds us in her forward to the ACT Daily Journal, the goal is to be able to get to the end of our lives not to be able to say “I did it all right,” but rather, “Wow! What a ride!”
Thought Starters:
Where can you be obsessive about doing things “right” or “the best”?
Does it often result in over-functioning (over-planning, over-working, over-researching), or avoidance (procrastination, criticism, numbing)?
What might you gain if you let go of your perfectionism a bit? Would your choices, actions, or the way you spend your time be more or less reflective of your values and the life you want to live?